What to do when you see your flaws show up in your kids
Written by Jason Gibson on September 23, 2023
It’s cute when people make comments about the ways my kids are similar to me.
“She has your eyes, you guys have the same smile, he looks just like you…”
But in between all the sweet acknowledgments, somehow I forgot the reality that if there are sweet similarities between my children/teenagers and myself…then some of the less-than-desirable attributes would show up too. I grieved the first time I saw a copy/paste version of one of my flaws appear in my children.
I felt like a failure because I truly believed my job was to help them become a copy/paste/better version of myself, but what I saw before me were parts of my own struggles that I have tried to defeat for as long as I can remember. I’m painfully aware of the heartache in the spaces where I consistently don’t get it right and the exhaustion of trying to be what I should be.
If this resonates with you, here are 5 encouragements for when you see your flaws show up in your kids.
1. Avoid the double-standard
If we’re going to take the blame for their mess-ups, then we also must take credit for their successes. I don’t recommend either though. Our journey is not their journey. Our role is to guide and facilitate, making it about their growth and restoration not about creating and supporting our storyline. So this is more about the internal dialogue. No one talks to you, like you do to you. So we have to control the narrative that we play in our minds over and over. You cannot tell yourself that you are a terrible parent and it not affect the way you parent.
2. See the other side
There is another side to our weakness. Strong willed cannot be easily deterred from what needs to be done. Many times I help parents see that the struggles they are facing with their child/teenager is a super power pointed in an unhealthy direction.
3. Feel the feeling, but do the right thing
Numb and run only grows problems not solve them. Pretending you don’t feel those emotions doesn’t help either. Rarely do we find a one time solution that fixes everything. Parenting is a journey of showing up each day.
4. Be honest and do the work
They will see how to find victory in those spaces. They already know your flaws, habits, and hangups. What they need to see is how you deal with them and move forward. How you slay the big dragons and move on along with how you deal with the daily dragons by showing up consistently in the battles you face each day.
5. Keep showing up
We are not perfect parents, but we are perfect for the children who are now in our lives.
Cover photo by Simran Sood
