We’ve all known the excitement of trying something new to improve ourselves and the disappointment of giving up on the plan a couple of weeks later. Lose 15 pounds, work out 3 days a week, read a book a month…all great things to do that are pretty popular in the self-help world. Even with all the “experts” telling us their key to our success (for the low, low cost of $99.99), we are still likely to drift back into the same place we were before we started. Out of all the reasons why we don’t stick to it, this one action points us toward failure from the start and helps us begin to see why you aren’t reaching your goal.
Determining the what before the why
Most often our lack of “sticking to it” and reaching our goal is based on a mismatch that happens at the start of the change journey. When wanting something different in any aspect of our lives, we often determine what we are going to do before doing the work to find out the ultimate why behind wanting this change in the first place. If what you are doing to accomplish the goal doesn’t meet the real need you have, you’re not as likely to force yourself to maintain sustainable change over time.
It is easy to make this misstep because we can easily see the outcomes we want to achieve. There are healthy and fit people posting their success stories everywhere. We see happy, smiling families on social media and want to have that in our own lives. So we try to find the fastest and most effective way to shrink the distance between where we are and where we want to be. Doing this only takes into account the present situation and the future hope, but cuts short the process of looking backward to consider why you feel the need to accomplish this particular goal in the first place.
Figuring out “what” to do feels easier
There is no stone-throwing here because we all do this. Asking if I will do the Mediterranean diet, paleo, carnivore, vegan….or will I lift free weights, the 12-3-30 treadmill plan, or picking out a Crossfit gym is much more exciting. This step is full of energy and feels like we are reaching our goal as we listen to videos, talk to our friends, and get on email lists for a free training unlocking the secrets of making exactly what we want to happen.
There is a real sense of accomplishment in this part of the journey because we can feel the boost from researching what to do and picking a direction. The problem is that when we don’t first do the work to find the real why behind what we want, we often choose a direction that ultimately doesn’t meet our core need for the change we so deeply desire.
Uncovering the “why” behind our desire for change is often painful
The work to find the core “why” behind reaching our goal is often simple but it is never easy. You just start by stating the goal you want to accomplish and then keep asking “why” over and over until you reach the ultimate reason that explains your desire for this change. Think of it like peeling an onion and you keep removing layer after layer until you get to the core. Here’s an example…
Goal: Lose 15 pounds.
What: Walk 30 minutes each day
Why: So I can be more active with my kids…Why?
- Because I want them to know that they are loved by me…Why?
- Because they need it from me…Why?
- Because I know the pain of not knowing if my parents truly loved me…Why?
- Because my parents didn’t show up for me when I needed them…Why?
- I don’t know, maybe because when they weren’t working they were always in front of the tv. They would always jump to help my older sister though…Why?
- She was smarter and skinnier than me. Always getting good grades in school and my dad would often say to me “you should be more like your sister”. So maybe if I could have been more like her then they would have cared more about me too.
This is clearly oversimplified, but you can see how the person’s desire to lose 15 pounds is rooted more deeply than just wanting to be more active with her kids. So the plan to walk 30 minutes a day is a great idea and could be done, but it won’t begin to address the core need that began back in her own childhood.
After beginning the process of finding your why, don’t stop here as this is the most difficult part because it feels like you are just drudging up the pain of the past just to lose 15 pounds. This can quickly spiral into a fault-finding mission trying to (accurately so at times) lay blame on the culprit of your pain. We must remember, that it’s not about fault, it’s about responsibility, and taking the time to identify what is under the surface of the need will help you find a direction that might be more effective in accomplishing your goal.
Match the real “why” to a new “what”
Now that you’ve done the work to get to the core need, consider what to do next to begin addressing that need. Sure you can walk 30 minutes a day to focus on losing weight, but consider adding a helpful solution to the peeled-back “why” that you uncovered by taking time to keep asking the question over and over. You might even invite a friend, family member, or therapist to help you consider what to do with the heart issues you’ve carried for a lifetime as you are tackling your health needs by walking 30 minutes a day.
You won’t need to have everything figured out to accomplish your goal, but taking the time to get a clearer understanding of why you feel the need to head in a certain direction will put the odds in your favor. With enough time, you may find that the load feels a little lighter on each step of the way.
